Amateur Aglow

This is a hard post for me to write. I've tried writing it a number of times and each time it's brought back a lot of emotions that I don't want to feel. But I think I'll be able to get through it this time.

My few readers may have noticed that I have been absent for most of this year. First and foremost, I was pretty busy and my blog was sadly not a priority. I also have not been writing because this past semester was a rough one.

Throughout February and March I had terrible anxiety and panic attacks. There was a lot more drama and stress in my life than I was used to and I don't deal well with stress to begin with. The really unfortunate part is that when I have a panic attack I don't hyperventilate, I don't feel unbalanced or any of the normal signs of a panic or anxiety attack. Instead I throw up and lose my appetite. Being already a really petite person, this affected me greatly. I did lose some weight, not a lot numerically, but it really showed on me, due to my body's size. On top of it I looked stressed and worn out most of the time. Living in a small town where I am related to a lot of people, it got a lot of people worried, which made it even worse.

I've always had a healthy attitude toward food. I love healthy food, especially fruits and veggies but I also have a major sweet tooth. I have always eaten whatever I wanted when I wanted because I don't have to worry about it.

I have since recovered from my panic and anxiety attacks and not had one in a few months. I cut out the people in my life that were causing me drama and stress. My appetite is normal again and I've been eating lots as well as exercising again to try and gain some muscle.

Unfortunately I have been unable to gain back the weight due to my naturally high metabolism. People's comments have continued to stress me out. People don't realize how much their "caring" comments hurt. I have to deal with these added body issues from my anxiety myself already without peoples' comments. A lot of my jeans don't fit me anymore. At prom, my corsage didn't fit around my wrist and I had to wear it halfway up my forearm. These things already feel like stabs into my body confidence, without people always commenting on my body. Saying "why are you so thin?" or "you need to put some meat on your bones" doesn't help. Since when did it become okay to comment on anybody's body? Like most things in life, I've always looked at the positives of my body rather than the cons. I see my nice eyes and hair, toned legs and great butt rather than my unclear skin, the scabby zits on my shoulders and lack of curves. But I allow these negative comments from others to stress me out. Am I eating too little? Am I eating enough sweets? Have I gained any weight? It's not okay to be constantly worrying about it. So I try not to.

It's not okay to comment on anybody's weight or physical flaws. Everyone is their own worst critic, so why make that little voice in their head even louder with your comments? We all have struggles- in life and with our bodies. We are all still beautiful. I might not have that many curves and be bony and weak, but I have beautifully strong legs and a great butt and I am beautiful.